Saturday Night

Ok so Saturday night was a hot mess. lol It was all my fault too. I suggested that we celebrate my friend’s birthday at midnight. We presented him with his gift. Then, I told them to bring out the bottles. We had like 5 shots. The first few were Bacardi then I switched to the Grey Goose and then I switched to the 1800. We finished the first two bottles. I was sauced. We were talking about foolishness until like 2 or 3am. I ran into a doorway! I was gone. My boyfriend’s roommates kicked everyone out and we all sat and talked another hour or so. We watched “Mr. Fish cat” on youtube like 3 times. You know that is my boyfriend’s roommates’ cousin? Youtube that. It is a mess. I was seriously feeling the effects of that last shot and the lime juice. Me and the boo went to bed but we were laying there talking for a long time. He kept telling me to shut up and go to sleep but I kept making him laugh. His roommate was texting him like, Are you going to have sex because I will go to sleep, but I was too drunk for that and I had a tummy ache.

When I woke up the liquor was still in my stomach making me sea sick. I felt so nauseous. I still feel nauseous. I ended up throwing up all of it which made me feel a little better. I drunk some Gatorade which really just made my pee turn neon yellow. Scarry. Now it hurts when I pee. It feels like my bladder is gonna come out with it. I burst like 10 blood vessels in my eye.

The only good thing that came out of that night was the house got cleaned. My boyfriend and his roommates almost never clean the house. Only on special occasions. So nasty! lol Or when one of the girlfriends decides it is just sick in here. I hope I don’t have a  bladder infection. If it still hurts tomorrow I am going to the emergency room to get a prescription. I did eat that dinner last night. It smelled delicious and I put my soul into that! I could not pass it up. I can’t believe I still feel sick but I’m going to work anyway. Wonder what I’m cooking tonight?

Baked Chicken with Snap Beans and Mashed Potatoes

I cooked this earlier tonight and it was delish! I had to write it down.

The Baked Chicken:

• Chicken Breasts
• Chicken Broth
• Onion
• Red Pepper
• Celery
• Italian Dressing
• Adobe Seasoning
• Lemon Pepper seasoning

Coat a aluminum pan with Pam cooking spray or butter or oil. Clean the chicken and place it into the pan. Pour enough chicken broth in the pan to coat the bottom. Sprinkle in the Adobo and Lemon Pepper. Add diced onion celery and peppers. Place in the oven on 350 degrees and bake until done.

Snap Beans:

• Fresh String Beans
• Butter
• Salt and Pepper

Clean the beans and snap off the dry ends. Melt butter in a pot on medium. Add salt and pepper. Add the beans and stir until they are coated with butter. Turn the pot up to high and as soon as it begins to boil add enough water to almost cover the beans. Do not let the butter burn! Boil the beans until they are cooked well. Do not strain.

Mashed Potatoes

• White Potatoes
• Salt and Pepper
• Butter
• A Masher or wooden spoon for mashing

Clean, peel and cut the potatoes into bite sized squares. Put the butter, water, salt and pepper into a pot and bring to a boil. Add the potatoes. Boil the potatoes on high until most of the water is boiled out. Leave a little water in the bottom of the pot. Take the masher or spoon and mash the potatoes. It is alright if it is a little chunky. Serve with some of the butter from the string beans or some of the chicken broth from the chicken.

We Worked It Out

We did not break up. I really reached my breaking point. I sat down and spoke to him last night and despite the fact that I was drunk, I remember the basics of it. Today we had the conversation again this afternoon. I realized he is just amazing. I can’t leave him. I love him too. The sex is lacking but he suggested that I try not to fantasize anymore. I should really try to connect with him during sex and I may feel the love. It is worth a try. I don’t want to leave anyway. This is where I wanna be. He is not mad. He seems fine. I love that I can bring him any topic and he always can talk to me honestly without getting angry.

Last night I was drunk as hell. I am glad I got that out of my system. Well, my body is still screaming from all that liquor. Hope I feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day of Winter Quarter. I am semi-excited but mostly I’m sick of school.

We Tried Again

I told my bf that I was not feeling it and I didn’t really want to have sex last night. The problem was neither of us was tired. So we spent a few hours tossing and turning until finally he suggested that we have sex again. I thought it was a bad idea but I also thought this may be the last time we get a chance to have sex. We tried again and it started off really slow and un-sexy. His hip bone was poking into my thigh and all his weight was pushing down on my stomach. He was kissing me so sloppily that I just lost it. He stopped and told me to go in the bathroom and come back in two  minutes. He had an idea.

While in there I gave myself a pep talk and three minutes later I went back to the bedroom. When I walked in R&B from my iTunes was playing softly. Some Toni Tony Tone song I have not heard in years but he does not know much about R&B so I let that slide. It was a sweet gesture. I sat on the edge of the bed and we tried again. This time was slightly sexier but still a no-go. He was getting frustrated and I was not enjoying this “four-play” anyway. I thought about just turning off the music and going to sleep but I did not want to stomp his ego out and like I said before, this might have been the last time. He asked if it was a total failure and I replied, just do it. Like the Nike commercial I guess. lol Well, he did and it didn’t turn out so bad. It ended up being pretty good actually because he played into some of my desires.

Overall, it was a good sexual experience. It still lacks connection. My mind was with two other fantasies somehow. I managed to climax and I always do but I do not use this as a measure of a sexual experience. I know any sex therapist would say I am lucky because most women do not climax every time they have sex. It took me years to have an orgasm during sex but once I figured it out I never turned back. I would not consider myself lucky. I would say that I am very in tune with my body and I know how to get myself there whether he is helping or not. He is also very good at reading when he is doing the right thing. This confuses him too because he is good at what he does and if I do have a orgasm he does not think it could have been sex without a connection. The problem is: I am there physically but somehow I am about 300 miles away mentally. I don’t know how I can achieve an orgasm with all these conflicting feelings, but I do.

What do I think? I still think we should break up. I do not see the progress that a three year old couple should have. It will be exactly three years on December 25 and I don’t feel it. I feel like we are just here. We have evolved as a couple but we are still emotionally in the first year. We are not in love and I am tired of pretending. Everyone keeps asking when the wedding is and if I will say yes when he pops the question. I am getting scarred because he graduated, I am graduating, he might ask me and I would have to say no. I need time to sort out my life. I won’t make the finaly decision until tomorrow. I just don’t want any bad news right now. Maybe I should do it now? Then I can party it off all night. No. Tomorrow.

Auntie’s Peach Cobbler

1 Long Aluminum pan

4 sticks Butter

4 cups Bisquick Pancake mix

4 cups Brown Sugar

4 cups White Sugar

4 cups Buttermilk

4 cans Sliced Peaches

Vanilla extract

Nutmeg

Cinnamon

Set oven to 400 degrees Celsius. Melt butter in pan in the oven. Mix all the ingredients in the bowl with a electric mixer. Pour the mix onto the butter in the pan. Drain most of the peach syrup. Put the peaches in the bowl and add vanilla, nutmeg, both sugars, and cinnamon. Mix these peaches with these ingredients. Dump the peach slices into the pan. Drizzle some of the peach syrup on top of the mix. Put this pan into the oven until the crust is golden brown. Take a piece out of the center to be sure it is done. Serve with Vanilla Ice cream.

You can reduce the sugar if you don’t want it too sweet.

Can’t Wait Until Tomorrow

Overall, Thanksgiving was a sham. At least I learned to make some cool dishes. I have washed my hair for the umpteenth time this week. I braided it up in four plats. I hope it comes out well. Tomorrow, I will take them down and separate the strands and blow it out so it’s all afro-poofy and crinkled.

Saturday plans are in full swing. I went to the liquor store and bought some cheap White Wine. So cheap that I only went in the store with $40 cash and came out with 2 bottles, a cork opener, and $13 change. I hope it is good. The cashier said it was good stuff for making sangria, especially for the price. I bought apples and pineapples and I plan to chop them up and mix them in the wine tonight. I picked up some brownie mix. We got the goose and 1800 in the freezer. I spoke to a old friend who plans to stop by and one of my besties is coming. All my roommates will be there. Seems like a recipe for fun.

Other than that, I feel like everything is well. I need to call my cousin and my grandparents just because I never talk to them. I am so bad with that. I just hate to pick up the phone. I hate being the person to call. I must must must call her before Sunday. Sunday I will start my homework because Monday starts week 1 of Winter Quarter. Good news is, for the first quarter ever I do not have any books to buy! Until tomorrow.

What am I thankful for?

I know everybody is doing a post like this but here it goes…

I am thankful for:

• My family and friends
• My sanity and happiness
• A supportive boyfriend
• Good grades
• Being able to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree soon
• Being an American citizen
• Having choices and multiple options for my future
• Having a love lost (if that makes sense)

That just about sums it up for me. Thanks for reading.

Last Night

We did not stay the night. Half the guests did not show. I don’t know why I expected them to. It ended up being just my aunt, my mom, my grandma, my great-grandma and me plus my boyfriend. What the heck? My other two aunts didn’t show because they wanted to cook with their own families. We aren’t family? I thought it was messed up and they really missed the point. Not to mention the fact that it is cheaper and easier to cook as a group. My mom and grandma didn’t bring bags to stay over so they left around 2am. What a bust!

I did learn to make peach cobbler and apple cobbler. I learned how to make the first half of macaroni and cheese. I think I can free style the rest. I learned to make cornbread. All these things were from scratch. I missed the potato salad tutorial AGAIN! DAMN! I love potato salad. I think I know how but I’m scared to do that on my own.

I was up texting my bf’s roommate and my bestie all night. They had me rolling! I miss those guys so much. I really do. My other bestie called but I could not chat because I was cooking. This weekend we are supposed to get together. We still have leftover 1800 and Grey Goose. I am gonna buy some brownie mix and we are going to make some special brownies! I can’t wait. I have never made these before but we are gonna try and we got the ingredients at half price. This weekend is gonna be hella-merry. I need to party it up the weekend before classes begin because there will be no partying Winter Quarter, no sah. I might pass out from being high and drunk but I’m just gonna play it by ear. Last time my friend came she dry heaved for 20 minutes and she don’t remember none of the madness but we have the pics to prove it. I just know this weekend is gonna be GREAT! Pastries and liqs? I’m buying some wine and fruit too so we can hook up a sangria. Mmmm PARTY PARTY PARTY!

23 Views? My God lol

I saw that last night and I kinda had to pause for a second. Like, what made yesterday different from the other days? Who knows. I’m betting it was the BGLH title. Anyway, the fire alarm is going off in my building. So I figure I will write while I wait. I have run out of full time positions to apply for on Monster. One university responded and said they have filled the position. That was the one place I really wanted to work but hopefully they all won’t say that. I have to look at the international postings for Biomedical Science. I thought NYC would have more jobs to offer but I guess not too many people are looking for entry level scientists.

Today is the big day. I think it was just earlier this month I was ranting about my family never wanting to be together. Well, my aunt announced that Thanksgiving is at her house and she wants everyone to come over today to cook together “like the ladies on Soulfood.” Not only that, she also said, pack a bag because we are spending the night and continuing to cook together in the morning. That is a huge step up from our usual holiday celebrations apart. I am excited. I hope it goes the way I am thinking in my head. I hope I learn to cook some stuff. So far I know there will be Peach Cobbler and Apple Cobbler. My friend was telling me his family mixes two fruits in one to make cobbler. Last year they did pears and peaches, I think. This year they are trying peaches and blueberries. I would love to try something like that. Well, I hope to pick up some cooking tips. I will keep my eyes and ears open.

Last night we tried the sex thing again. It was not bad sex, definitely not bad. It was not great sex. I should make a new category called intermediate sex. Hmm…that would imply there are levels…I have to think of a better phrase. Mediocre sex? That is kinda insulting to him…Ideas? If there are any readers out there, Comment me some ideas. Anywho, it was not stellar, ok? It was inventive because we got to explore the living room. That was cool. It’s been done but not quite like that. When we get the house to ourselves, we get to explore more rooms but we put a sheet down so it was all sanitary. What made it mediocre? It just was. Overall, I liked it but like I said before, the connection was gone.

We had two long conversations last night. The first was: Why do I fantasize while having sex? There is no cut and dry answer. I just do. I think I always have. I believe it is because I fantasize when I masturbate. I feel like it is totally normal and I know it works for masturbation so why wouldn’t it work during sex? The first time I tried it, I reached orgasm and I have been doing it since then. He had other ideas about it. He thinks he should be enough. I told him I am not usually into skinny guys. So I might close my eyes and imagine a buffer guy. I don’t know how wrong that is but it’s true.

The second conversation was: Do you want to break up? We talked about this for hours before bed. I was not tired so we were just talking until about 5:30 this morning. We came up with no conclusion. He says no. I say maybe. He said if I feel like that’s what I want then just do it. I know it would turn my life upside down and I don’t know if I am ready to start again. He said it will be different after graduation. Maybe he is right. I think breaking up is like  a band-aid. Best to just yank it off. I am really stuck with this one though. I am always the one to do the breaking up but this time I don’t know if I really should. It would be easier if he wasn’t such a good guy.

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

I still have not opened the email from my ex. I can see the first line and it seems harmless. “Haven’t heard from you in a while. How…” I am scared to open it. I have been down this road before and it just feels like opening pandora’s box. Last night my boyfriend had some nightmare about me calling my ex. He woke me up and kept asking me, “Why did you call him?” I was sure I did not so I told him to go back to sleep. The idea of me and my ex haunts him. That is scarry. I feel like I cannot open the message but at the same time I feel like I can’t just ignore him. I think I should answer in a platonic tone. Will that work? NO.

I was thinking we might need a break anyway and last night really got me thinking about it. We had some of the worst sex ever. I started thinking, when did the sex get bad? Right after the honeymoon phase ended, if I recall correctly. The first year in we were having bad sex. Why didn’t we just end it there? I guess we thought it would get better but it hasn’t. We have gotten better at having sex but the connection has not gotten any deeper. It is still just sex – sometimes really, REALLY good sex – but still just sex. I roll over and go to sleep afterwards.

Last night was not good though. It was horrible. He was asking me about it and I wanted to say, It’s dry, rotten sex. Now, get off me! but I was not trying to “ruin the mood.” Sometimes I think he is dilusional. There is no way he could think I liked that. Afterwards he was asking me if I was mad and if I was ok. I really never wanted to do it. I was sleeping and I was tired and not the least bit aroused. I knew it was a bad idea but he insisted. So after ten minutes of arguing why we shouldn’t have sex, I had to go into the bathroom to give myself a pep talk. Well, it didn’t work. I think once I make my mind up that it will be bad, it will be bad. I was cooperative though. Eugh…

Maybe we should just end it now. Three years have gone and I don’t see it getting any better. He thinks it will get better after graduation or after he moves to New York or after whatever but I’m starting to feel like I am just wasting my good years. I’m almost twenty one. We have been making it work since I was eighteen. I think it’s time to call it quits.